I had my 39 week checkup with our primary midwife, Jane Thompson, the day before (Tuesday 26/8/97).
Jane was a bit surprised at how low the baby was and felt that I might have the baby before the due date (3/9/97). My Nana had died on the Sunday and her funeral was to be on the Wednesday. I really wanted
to go, but was worried that the stress and emotion of the day would be harmful for the baby. Jane and I spent a long time discussing this and Jane said, "I think it will be fine. If you want to go then go. The baby will be fine and if the baby thinks that it is not a good idea then he will come."
We went to bed that night and I spent a long time thinking about my Nana and what was to happen the next day. I woke from a dream at 2.30am (my mum was in bed with me and in between us was a baby. I said "Oh it's Billie" (our in utero name). Mum looked at me and said, "No it's Billie's sister."). Anyway I felt some fluid leaking from my vagina. I poked Andrew and said, "I think my membranes may have broken". I got up and went to the toilet and sure enough there was fluid leaking. It was such an exciting moment not how I had visualized the beginning of my labour (where was the mucus plug'?). We called Jane no contractions as yet and she very wisely said, "Go back to bed and get some sleep. If you can."
Andrew and I were just so excited too hyped up to sleep. We ran around like headless chooks for an hour saying "what do we do, what do we do?" Finally we got ourselves organized and started to fill up the
pool.
We called Tiffany (our dear friend and support person) to let her know what was going on. Went back to bed at 4.00am and we just lay there together talking. The main thought was "we're going to have
a baby today!" and all the amazing feelings that go with that, the culmination of the past nine months, the anticipation, a little bit of fear and the intense excitement of what's to come. After all the nurturing, talking to and loving of this baby within, we were about to meet him.
Tiff arrived at about 5.00am we chatted for a little while still no contractions. At about 6.30am I called Gael and she did a phone meditation for me. It was deeply relaxing and helped me to visualize letting the baby go so he could come into this world. Back in bed slept for about an hour. Made some breakfast (Andrew got his in bed hey who's having the baby here!). Had a shower and went for a walk to see if that would get the contractions going. We had such a beautiful peaceful day. I felt so serene and special and there was so much love surrounding us.
I had a shower in the afternoon (a bit messy with the fluid leaking off and on). I put on some makeup and did my hair saying "I want to look beautiful for Billie when he's born." Still no real action with contractions. We called Jane and she suggested that Andrew and I spend some time together making love and possibly having a sleep. I especially didn't feel like it as things were a bit messy with the leaking fluid, but I really wanted to get things started. About 2 hours after weak contractions started called Jane again who suggested a walk and to have some dinner.
We did this (now about 6.30pm) and by the time we got back from walking the contractions were regular although still weak. Now the real work was about to begin. In amongst the excitement was also sadness (Nana was very excited about the thought of being a great nana).
Throughout the day I was thinking about my Nana and what would be happening. I rang my family a few times to let them know what was going on and felt very sad that I was unable to be there and offer my support to them, especially to dad. Tiff said that because Billie and Nana were in the spiritual world at the same time they would have met and that she might have been holding his hand during the birth, helping him to come safely into this world.
8.00pm contractions now 4 mins apart and picking up in intensity. Called Jane and asked if she could come soon. Hot water bottles were out and being used on my abdomen and lower back it felt great. Jane and Leonie arrived a short time later, I started to get very emotional (what an amazingly lucky person I was and just so privileged to have such loving, caring, gentle people to help me birth). I felt overcome with love for everyone and had a bit of a cry and felt a bit spacey. The contractions were becoming (what I thought anyway) very intense time to move to the pool. The pool was just so good, being in it made me feel relaxed and very secure. I started to get a few vague pushing urges and Jane and Tiff started to organize things for the baby to be born. The feeling was "I'm going to have this baby soon". Then nothing to me anyway seemed to be happening. Contractions were still happening (5 mins) and feeling very intense. Why had the pushing urge gone away?
Jane decided a change might be good. I spent more time labouring in a kneeling position with hot water bottles for pain relief. I started to feel like I was going to vomit (I did several times) and could feel myself losing confldence in my ability to give birth. Jane asked if I had any fears, which might be stopping the labour from progressing). I did I was terrified the baby wasn't going to cope with the birthing process that in some way I was going to hurt him. This fear went back to a past experience of mine. I thought I had let it go and I was very surprised to find it was still an issue it was making me stuck in the labour and I needed to let go of it in order to let the labour progress. The following hours are now a bit hazy. I know I spent time labouring in every room of the house (the shower, loo, kitchen, bedroom and lounge room) and that Andrew spent time stimulating my nipples to see if that would get the contractions going a bit more.
I started to feel more and more like I was never going to be able to bring my baby into this world. I was finding the contractions very painful and I was exhausted (lack of sleep and food). I got into a negative spin and started saying "I can't do this; I just can't do this anymore". I became very vocal, screaming and crying with each contraction (Andrew apologized to the neighbours the next day we were sure they would have been kept awake, but they said they didn't hear anything).
We were all a bit puzzled as to why things had slowed down (now 4.00am). Jane and Leonie had decided that they would an internal (something which they really didn't want to do and later felt in the same situation, they wouldn't do it again). Only 4cms dilated and a baby in a possible posterior position (although Jane and Leonie were not entirely convinced of this) I was utterly devastated and we discussed what the options at this stage were. The baby was fine he was coping beautifully. My body too was coping well: it was just that I was finding the pain and exhaustion overwhelming. I really felt that I couldn't deal with it going on for much longer. Jane said the options were: we could go to hospital where I would probably have an epidural or pethedine or I could try to get some sleep and see how things were progressing in another hour or so.
Everyone was exhausted by now. Andrew went off for a sleep and Tiff lay in bed with me. I slept for 5 - 7mins woke up for the contraction, screamed and cried while Tiff rocked me and then fell back asleep. At about 7.00am I got out of bed and we decided to try the pool again. Tiff suggested that we call Helen Sexton to come over and give me a Chiropractic adjustment. Helen came and adjusted me (between contractions) and so did Andrew.
Back to the pool something finally felt like it was changing. I was able to look into Tiffany's, Helen's and Jane's eyes. I wasn't internalizing it anymore and was getting strength from everyone around
me. I was still saying, "I can't do this", and Helen was saying to me"yes you can you are doing it right now". Jane suggested I get out of the pool and she would do another internal to see how things were going.
Suddenly was that a push? I got out of the pool and started bearing down. Jane said "Does that feel like you have no control over the push?" "I don't know urghhhh". I was pushing.
What a beautiful moment, I was so excited and amazed at the sudden surge of energy. I was also a little scared as I remembered that Helen had had a very long pushing stage and was thinking to myself "I just don't know what I will do if I have to push for hours". (I remember asking a few times as I was pushing "Is the baby going back up?"). I got out of the pool and stood leaning on the side of it. After what seemed like just a few minutes Jane said "I can see hair and your baby's head".
I was looking in a mirror and was astonished at the first sight of my baby what a very hairy head he had. Even though the intensity of pushing felt incredibly painful it was such a thrilling and powerful experience and, for me, the best feeling. As the baby's head began to crown and it was a matter of a few pushes before he would be out, Andrew said "Don't be scared if the baby is a bit blue and floppy remember lots of babies are like that at first".
Out came Louis's head and then, after Jane had cleared the cord from around his neck, very quickly his body slithered out (the greatest feeling) and there was our baby gorgeous, pink, wriggly and howling (loudly) (10.20am). He was handed straight to Andrew, as I was worried I might drop him (I needed to sit down first) and the first thing Louis did was to try and latch onto Andrew's nipple. How beautiful it was to see Andrew holding our baby in his arms and seeing him so full of love and joy.
The thing that really sticks with me was the incredible amount of love that was in the room as Louis came out of my body and into this world. I think we were all overcome so many different feelings happening at once overwhelming love, rapture, excitement and relief too. I think everyone in the room was crying. Rare will be any experience that matches Louis's birthing in intensity of emotion.
The moment that I first held Louis in my arms was just so precious here was my so longed for baby, the baby we had loved and nurtured for nine months and he was perfect and beautiful, amazingly beautiful. He had a gorgeous, plump, muscley, hairy body, loads of dark hair, big hands and the most beautiful face. My heart felt as if it was about to burst and as I held him pure joy flowed through me. Although the journey into parenthood had really started nine months before, that first cuddle of Louis made it just so true.
After feeling like I was about to collapse, and that I would never be able to birth my baby, when Louis arrived I was bouncing off the walls with energy. It took until after 1.00pm for my body to calm down and it was just brilliant being able to Curl up in my bed with Louis and to fall asleep together.
For a few davs after the birth I felt a bit disappointed with the way I had handled the birth. I just never imagined that I would get into that negative spin and I was shocked with the way I was so vocal and that I had even contemplated going to the hospital. I also felt a little guilty for putting my birthing team through such a hard time. Now I feel so differently. I am really proud of myself and feel so strong and powerful. My goal was to birth safely at home, Without drugs and unnecessary intervention, and I achieved that. Louis was just so healthy when he was born and I know that it could have been a very different story if I had gone to hospital.
I also feel incredibly special and privileged to have had such an amazing birthing team. Everyone was just so totally there for me, nurturing and loving me and giving me strength to achieve my goal. When I thought I just couldn't do it any more there were Andrew, Tiff, Jane, Leonie and Helen sending me their love and telling me that not only could I do it, but that I was doing it.
Birthing Louis at home was incredible this story goes a little way to attempt to capture it, but as always it is very hard to express in words anything that has such a huge amount of emotion attached to it. I know that it was a life altering experience and that, if and when I have another baby I can only hope to have such fantastic people there
to support me at home of course.
Jane Cisera