I really loved being pregnant, it was a special time, building Angus, feeeling and seeing him grow.
Lots of things had to be done . Our house after 5 years of toil had to be completed. So at last we can look after our baby in comfort.
My pregnancy was trouble free. I didnt have much time to feeI sick. Working full time painting, rendering,and various other buliding jobs. We had always wanted to birth at home. It seemed the natural way for us.
Two weeks after my due date I went into early labour. The previuos day I had accupuncture to encourage Angus to come. and it worked.
I woke with little contractions about 1 am. I was really excited i got up and started to clean the house, after a while i came to my senses and returned to bed. Phil and I held each other, drifting in and out of sleep. In the morning the contractions died off, so we made love, they came back with a vengance.
I rang Jenny I was still able to talk through , so we decided to contact her later. My mum came busying herself and rubbbing me when I needed her.
she was perfect. Sue my other support came about 2pm. The contractions increased but they still werent regular. Jenny came about 8 somthing was happening , my supports were working really well,Massaging and reassuring me.
Jenny checked i was about 8cm dilated. . I was rolling around the floor squatting and leaning against my lovely husband. After about an hour the regularity of my contractions died. It wasabout 11pm. We decided to have a bath. Buckets of hot water were caried for us the hot water service was still not hooked up. It was heaven. Phil did some nipple stimulation for a while to try and move things along, i dozed in between contractions.
After a while they got more regular and stronger. Adolf came and he discovered i had an anterior lip on my cervix. OOh i was getting really tired, My contractions died off again .. . All my support people were tired they all sarted taking turns in sleeping. i was loosing my focus, A couple of hours went passed in a blur. We decided to use gravity. i stood and pushed while i leant on phil. i was fully dilated but angus couldnt get through my cervix.. i was so stuffed it was 4 am.
I fantasises about drugs and pain releif. we decided to transfer to hospital. Phil and jenny were with me. I was releived defeated and scared.
Five hours later at 9.30 am Angus was pulled our of me, in a room full of people with bright lights, he was blue and screaming. His cord was cut and he was placed on my clothed chest. I hungered for his skin contact so badly i cried.
My labour lasted about 30 hours I endured most of the interventions known to modern obstetrics They were disgusting but after much soul searching , I feel reassured that both Angus and I needed them. He was distressed and I was exhausted.
When remebering the birth , I focus on labouring at home and how productive and comfortable and right it was. Threee months later Angus is beautiful. Parenthood is wonderful and he was worth it all . My feelings about the birth are resting comfortable. But i do feel cheated. I wanted to have a natural birth in our own space and one day i will.
Additt.. Angus is now ten..It is nine years since i have written this birth story, and since i have had another 2 sons.. both great births.. I feel really sad when i read this story. i was just a girl an innocent girl.. There are truths that need to be told..
I firmly believe now that the reason that my labour died at home, were the vibes going on in my birth place.. When A came, the doctor. He bought a women who he hid behind the couch .. He didnt introduce her to any body.. When he finished attending me, the labouring women , he would go and cuddle her.. Everyone was so shocked.That he invaded my sacred space. I also feel they felt disempowered to say and do anything because of his doctor status.. I couldnt, the vibes were really uncomfortable.. I should have been encouraged to have a rest to lie . when the anterior lip was disovered. To this day i cannot stand to have my nipples played with.. I think it was everyone trying to pump up my labour as my body was closing down.. not wanting to birth in that enviroment.
I didnt feel advocated for.. My support people were amazing .. I beleve my midwife was shocked as we all were, she felt diempowered too.. When we transferred to hospital.. I had avery horrible doctor , who wanted an episiotomy, so he could fit the forceps in.. My midwife argued for me,. he just took the power, phil and i felt like frightened children.. The intern tried 4 times to put in the epidural drip. while i had painful contractions and i was supposed to scrunch myself in a ball. it was awful..
I really tried to push Angus out after the threat of forceps. I remember sitting on the bed with my legs splayed with phil and jenny supporting me , pushing, pushing. and out popped a poo. just as the obstetrition walked in with 2 midwives and the reistrar. They all new that i was a unsuccessful homebirth.. I felt so humilated..
It took me a long time to get over that birth. My bonding with Angus was affected.. I really belive that. I had trouble breastfeding him and it hurt.. I didint tell anyone that it hurt, as I didnt want to seem a failure again. I went back to work full time when he was 6 weeks old , and Phil did the caring.. It was truamatic time . I adore Angus but i still feel the skin hunger and notice the absence of intimacy that I have with his brothers.. I have suffered from post natal depression after both my other sons births. ( homebirth, and empowered hospital birth ) i guess for me it is this weird thing about my body letting me down and feeling disjointed from it..
I love the wisdom of age, and the journey I am on . I wouldnt change the past as it has made me the person I am today.. I am all I have. Robyn Smith 2002